They should create a reality TV show called “Fortis in the House,” where company brass have to survive the winter with little or no electric heat.
Each wealthy executive is given a pair of long johns and must work together like a family to conserve energy. They only have a certain amount of kilowatt hours, and if they exceed their quota under the two-tier system, they are punished.
The audience (the working poor) gets to choose what discipline is appropriate. Through strategically placed cameras, the viewers can see who’s consuming the most power.
Look at that! The CEO is cranking the heat up in the bathroom and working on his laptop. He then runs a full bath while uncorking a bottle of champagne. That will warrant some big time punishment, which will come later.
Meanwhile, the vice-president sneaks into the laundry room to wash two articles of clothing on a full cycle. Naughty boy!
Tensions start to rise when Fortis survivors start bickering about each other’s power consumption.
“Hey man, I saw what you did. You turned up the thermostat in your room while the rest of us were freezing our butts off.”
“No I didn’t. You’re just jealous because I make more money than you.”
Cut to a commercial break, where you see a real family huddled around several candles in the dark. The mother is crying because they can’t pay their utility bill; it increased 100 per cent.
A compassionate voice then says, “Take back the power. This commercial sponsored by the Society for the Ethical Treatment of Human Beings.”
Back in the house, the contestants have worried looks on their faces while seated on an old couch. One executive has one hand on his buttocks because the back flap of his long johns came undone and the button was missing.
An ominous bell tolls, signaling that it’s voting time. Who will be punished? Who will redeem himself in the eyes of the ratepayers?
The camera focuses on the CEO, replaying his bathroom transgressions. Exclamations of shock erupt when the champagne is uncorked.
Two large men grab the CEO and force him outside in the snow, making him run around the house to check the utility meter. His real punishment, though, is spending another week on the show and paying the power bills of 100 customers.
The camera then focuses on a FortisBC office clerk, who has conserved the most energy in the house. Her prize is leaving the show and being promoted to office manager, which prompts cheers from the viewing audience.
Meanwhile, the vice-president has to spend another week in the house while wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and eating cold porridge.
“Let me out of here!” he screams, while he is dragged kicking and screaming to his room.
Lyonel Doherty
Oliver Chronicle
