Is your child a bully?

No . . . never.

Is your child a victim of bullying?

No . . . I don’t think so.

Take a closer look.

These were the questions parents left with after attending a BC Teachers’ Federation seminar given by Osoyoos educator Natasha Schroeter on February 26.

Members of Oliver Elementary School Parents Advisory Council could easily relate to the mother of four as she pointed out various forms of bullying and its devastating effects.

Schroeter said bullying is not just “kids being kids.” It begs much deeper questions.

She noted that bullies tend to exude high self-esteem when in fact it’s a cover-up (for low self-esteem). They tend to be intolerant towards other kids’ differences, and they don’t see their behaviour as hurtful.

Ironically, everyone wants to be friends with the bully, Schroeter said, adding that other kids have a love/hate relationship with these menaces.

Schroeter said bullying behaviour continues with age because it worked for that person when he or she was young. This bullying later in life can result in dating violence, workplace harassment, marital abuse and elder abuse.

She said the characteristics that encourage victimization include being larger or smaller than others, or being a minority. She noted that kids don’t want to stand out as learning disabled or gifted because that draws attention to themselves.

Schroeter said it breaks her heart to see a child so eager to do well, so eager to please but then placed in the victim’s seat at the hands of a bully.

Schroeter said a bully’s behaviour is reinforced by an audience, and a complacent audience gives him more power to continue hurting the victim.

“As soon as one person speaks up, it gives others permission to speak out, and it deflates the situation.”

But speaking up is really tough to do, she admitted.

“Until peers stand up (to the bullying), it won’t change.”

Schroeter cited the following statistic: When peers intervene on behalf of the victim, bullying stops in less than 10 seconds 57 per cent of the time.

When you consider the courage it takes to stand up to the menace, the defender is more powerful than the bully.

Schroeter said they set up role-playing scenarios at Osoyoos Secondary School where she teaches. She noted it’s really “cool” to see how other students react in these tense situations, and when they do intervene, it makes a big impression on the younger pupils.

“We’re very lucky at OSS. The students are very tolerant of others with differences. It’s really nice to see.”

Schroeter warned parents about cyberbullying and the dangers of Snapchat, a photo messaging application developed by Stanford University students.

Another site to watch out for is Ask.fm, a place where people can post anonymous comments about others.

Schroeter said parents need to understand this new technology and how their children are using it. She suggested that their screen time be limited, and if they abuse it, they lose it.

The key is talking about it and teaching your children not to give out private information, she stated.

Schroeter said it’s important for parents to not react with anger when their child does something inappropriate online.

“If you react with anger or emotion, they won’t share with you. It’s important to keep the line of communication open. It’s hard to stay calm, but it will get you a lot farther.”

Schroeter said parents need to be role models for their kids. Hockey moms take note – verbally abusing the referee is not a good example of teaching your child how to be assertive.

Local parent Cory-Lee Mills asked how can parents become aware that their child is a bully.

Schroeter said being aware of your child’s friends and how he or she interacts with others can be a telling sign. When you witness your child being a bully, always address the behaviour, not the child, Schroeter said. One question you can ask is, “Did you do that to help your friend or hurt your friend?”

Schroeter said you can bully-proof your child by role-playing and teaching him or her what to say to the bully.

“It’s amazing when kids get their voices and how things (bullying) shut down fast.”

For example, a parent at the seminar shared one incident where her daughter spoke up after another girl bullied her sister. The parent of the bully arrived and the girl said, “Your daughter called my sister fat.”

Mills asked the question: When should parents step in if their child is being bullied?

Schroeter said she would step in after the second incident.

What if the bullying continues after meeting with the principal?

Schroeter advised parents to persist – ask to have a meeting with the principal, the children involved and the parents.

“It’s really important to include the kids because they see something is happening and that someone is listening.”

Schroeter said children can anonymously report bullying at www.stopabully.ca.

Lyonel Doherty

Oliver Chronicle